Really. Keep Talking.

In the past three weekends, I have been to three graduations. One for a college degree; one for a masters degree; and one for a doctor's degree. And in doing this I have had the opportunity to listen to numerous speakers at this ceremonies. As a result, I've compiled some helpful tips for you, the reader, if you should ever be a graduation speaker.

Here's What You Don't Do:

1. Speak longer than 15 minutes. Not only is your audience not there to listen to you, but even if they were, odds are their attention span wouldn't even be this long. Better shorten this to 10 minutes. If you can't say it concisely, you probably shouldn't say it.

2. Use metaphors. Now I'm not discounting metaphors. But, as C.S. Lewis (a master of the metaphor) and I'm sure many others have said, there is a point where even the best metaphor breaks down. Read: there's no such thing as a perfect metaphor. If you must, mention it once...maybe twice. And here's what you don't metaphorize(?): a house, tool belt, tree, car -- really anything that has parts. It doesn't make you appear smart when you use a metaphor about something that has parts. Really. It's not that difficult.

3. Speak in a different language through a translator. This should be self-explanatory. But if you do use this method, make sure the translator speaks your language.

4. Talk about your successful career. Graduates are under enough pressure to succeed. They've just spent thousands on school. They're in debt. And if you talk about yourself and your success, your just bragging, not encouraging.

As for what you should do, I don't have any ideas. I've sat through some pretty rough speeches over the past three weeks. I'd suggest quoting a poet, like T.S. Eliot (especially a selection from "The Four Quartets"). Perhaps, to offer perspective to the graduate, quote G.K. Chesterton in this manner: Graduate, do not think of yourself bigger than you ought. No matter how large, how successful you may become "you will always be small when compared to the nearest tree."

Again, just some helpful hints. And if you're getting an honorary degree. It usually comes after a speaker who's droned on for too long already, and no one at the school knows who you are, therefore you have no right to go on for more than a minute. This is especially true if you're not there to accept the degree, but send remarks. Not only does that appear that you don't consider the honor important enough to attend, but in doing so, you forfeit any right to have said remarks go on longer than 30 seconds.